11.16.2012

This is a day that I will never forget, this is the day that my mom died. I debate writing too much about this day because it is so personal, but my mom was and forever will be such a huge part of my life. My mom endured so much because of her her illness. She did so with grace and poise that I can't even begin to describe. She had to experience gradually losing control of the muscles throughout her entire body. It began with her voice and moved down from there. When she passed away she could no longer eat or talk, she could barely walk, and her hands were getting very weak. She still did as much as she could. In the final days of her life she spent a lot of time playing Words with Friends and reading her scriptures on her iPad. I would tease her that she had to quit reading her scriptures so much, and that she was becoming just too righteous for the rest of us. She would always smile and continue reading. I spent just about every Monday, Wednesday, Friday from 8:45am-2:00pm and every Thursday from 2:00-4:00pm with my mom. Before I got pregnant I spent even more time with her. I would help her shower and get ready - she had to get dolled up every day! Even if she was staying home all day, she wanted to look her best. She loved matching and accessorizing her outfits and she was good at it! Trevor told me on multiple occasions that I better watch out because my mom was dressing better than I was. I would clean her house once a week, occasionally help out with the laundry (Mary usually did that), and do anything I could to help my mom.

The day before my mom passed away we had started hospice. A sweet nurse had come by that day to introduce herself and talk to us about what services my mom would receive. We started her on some new medications. The following day was the day after our annual Twilight late night showing (we were sad that my mom couldn't join us), I got to my parent's house around 9:00am and hopped in bed with my mom. My dad told me she had been really tired because she didn't have a good night. We spent most of the morning sleeping and then the hospice aide came around 11:00am to help her shower and get ready. My mom wasn't quite herself that day and was just so exhausted so when I went to pick out her clothes I asked her if she wanted to just wear sweats and the expression on her face told me that she didn't want to - I should have known better too. I asked if she wanted to wear jeans and she gave me a thumbs up. I got her her mauve Gap pants with her matching mauve and cream striped tank and mauve cardigan. And of course I got her the matching mauve flower earrings. We got her all ready and into her wheelchair. Her friends would usually come stay with her on Friday's from 12:00-2:00 but since she wasn't feeling well my dad and I decided that I would stay with her until he could come home from work. Judy Richards still came up and did my mom's hair and make-up though.

I remember after my dad got home Judy, Mary, my mom, my dad, and I were all sitting in the Great room. My dad was saying that he didn't think he should spend his Friday nights doing sealings at the temple anymore - but that he should stay home with Mom. My mom was sleeping in her chair but opened her eyes and gave a thumbs up that he needed to go to the temple. She was even being selfless when she felt terrible.

I headed home after that, around 2:00pm. I called Trevor and was so upset because it was so hard to see my mom struggling so much. He came home from work to be with me. I cried for a while and ended up falling asleep on the couch. At about 4:00pm I got a phone call from my dad. All that he said was, "HURRY, HURRY!" Trevor and I immediately jumped up and got in the car. I was so glad that Trevor was with me. He drove as fast as humanly possible up to my parents house. The whole time I wasn't sure what was wrong. She either had to have fallen or was choking. When we got to my parents house I walked in the door and turned to my parent's bedroom. I saw my mom lying on the bed and knew that she wasn't alive. I immediately started doing mouth-to-mouth because I was in a panic and didn't know what else to do. We got the ER Doctor from across the street and he verified that she didn't have a pulse. We called all of our family members to come up.

I can't express how much it hurt to see my mom lying there. I knew she wouldn't live much longer, but it was still sudden. It is always hard to lose your mom.

Over the next few days I was so grateful for my family. We stayed together. As long as we were together I felt okay, but as soon as I was alone or separated from them I felt like a wreck.

The day before my mom's funeral my sisters and I were able to dress my mom's body in her temple clothes and beautify her. It was such a spiritual experience for me. I felt so calm and was so happy that I could make her look beautiful. I knew it was important to her that we do this for her and that she look beautiful. She always wanted to look her best. Since we had been taking care of her for the past 17 months we knew how to do her hair and make-up just the way she liked. I will always cherish that experience.

The funeral was held on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. The funeral was perfect. Each of us kids contributed something and my dad spoke along with two general authorities. It was a perfect tribute for an almost perfect woman.

I can't document my feelings without expressing the love and admiration that I have for my dad. He couldn't have taken better care of my sweet mom than he did. He knew how to make her laugh even when in the biggest trial of her (and his) life. He did things that he never would have been comfortable doing before. Watching my dad care for my mom is something that I'll never forget. It taught me what true love is.

Losing my mom is the hardest thing I've had to experience in my life. I'm grateful to know that families are forever. I know that she was with my sweet baby girl in Heaven. I know that she is looking out for me. I am so grateful that I have my sweet baby Copelyn. When I look at her I think of my mom and my relationship with her and hope that Cope and I can have a friendship like that one day.

I started reading a book called, Motherless Daughters and this quote expresses how I feel perfectly, "When a mother dies, a daughter grieves. And then her life moves on. She does, thankfully, feel happiness again. But the missing her, the wanting her, the wishing she were still here--I will not lie to you, although you probably already know. That part never ends."

I'll always cherish the time I had with my mom, especially the past 17 months together. And I'll forever be grateful for my hard working husband who loved and supported me taking care of my mom as much as I could.

Some of my mom's most favorite things.

My mom wanted us daughters to go through her jewelry and pick what we wanted and have the rest sitting out at her funeral for her friends and loved ones to have something to remember her by.

Her casket was perfect - navy blue and gold. Her signature colors.